FOUR YEARS AGO

October 25, 2005 (1:30pm)


I was coming back from an interview in Nashville when my cell phone rang around the Pegram / McCoury Lane exit on Interstate 40. It was my father. "If you can, you probably need to get here this afternoon," he said, referring to Dickson County Healthcare, a place where he and I had spent many a early morning and a late night since my mother had been admitted as a paitent for about a month. Neither one of us had missed a day since she was admitted. That's something that I have to say I felt pretty good about. In just a month's time, you find out that many people do not ever visit their "loved ones" in the nursing home, including one of Dickson's biggest "movers and shakers," who actually is nothing more than the other name for a mule....but anyway...There seemed to be some kind of complication with my mother's health. You worry, but you also know that with her situation, she's probably going to be here a while. Four years later, I can't say that I totally understand what happened or why, but there would be getting no better.....as things would only get worse. Still, how many times had we braced ourselves...and she would rebound enough to make it to the next day. There was one night, after a football game, where I stopped there on the way home, and they said that I probably shouldn't leave. Her vitals were dropping.....only to be normal again in just a few hours. So, even though she wasn't having a good day, I wasn't going to go anywhere but there....just in case.





October 25, 2005 (10:30pm)


It had been a long night, but everything seemed to have gotten better. I don't remember there being a moment where I think she was aware of her surroundings, but we had our goodbye moment about a week prior. I was tired--it had been a long day, plus I was to do some fill-in work at the radio station where I was working the next morning. Daddy was still there, so I thought I would go on home and go to bed. It was a down day, but there would be others....and who knows tomorrow just might be better.





October 25, 2005 (11:45pm)


Daddy got in, and I had just got done with everything I needed to do, and about to hit the bed. Prayed a prayer for God's will. I had learned after talking with some counselors from Hospice that it was alright to let them go. I didn't pray for that, but I did ask that God's will be done. She had suffered so much, and there didn't look to be any kind of turnaround......So, I got in bed. 104.5 The Zone was talking about the Chicago White Sox's game in the World Series that night, and I was drifting.





October 26, 2005 (12:25am)


The ringing of the phone breaks the beginning of sleep. At first, I thought it might be one of my friends who would call having ran out of gas in the middle of the night. Caller ID, however, said the rest of the story. "Dickson Heathcare,' it said. Daddy answered the phone. A football coach and and a good friend of mine named Jerry Pearson once told me that the phone doesn't ring for a good reason past midnight. It seemed at the 12:20 night check, my mother's pulse and heartbeat had stopped. It was over. We drove to Dickson, and I didn't know whether I should cry or not...I was numb. After we called Taylor Funeral Home, there wasn't nothing much to do except to go back home. The sun shone the next morning, of all things.




October 27-28, 2005


For all the bad memories of the week, the outpouring of love and sympathy was great. So many of my friends from radio, music, and DCHS came by. The funeral was what funerals are supposed to be. I spoke. It wasn't that bad. The burial, however, was something else. That night, I was on the air, broadcasting a football game in Williamson County. Some probably didn't understand or understand that fact now.....but I sleep at night. Even though I wasn't "on" that night, that's where I needed to be. The week was over.

October 26, 2009

Four Years......That's hard to believe. It took me a while to get over my guilt about not being there, and what I prayed about just within a few minutes of your death....Couldn't my sleep have waited a couple of hours? My preacher, James Hinkle, put it in perspective for me....Maybe, just maybe....she didn't want you there...because she knew how I would handle it. Looking back, that's probably the truth. I'll be honest with you...People put a lot of stock in graveyards and dates and such, and I guess I am since I chose to write about this today....but I cried just as much a couple of Saturdays ago than I will today.....and I put some artificial flowers down a few months ago, and I'll decorate it for Christmas in a few weeks, but I don't pull in that much. But, I know where she's at....and it's not there.....



Mama, in the past four years, I've done (debating on who you talk to!) a lot of growing up. I met and married the love of my life, became a father, and have continued my career (even though this year, I feel like I am in the fight of my life to keep it going...but someone always told me "Do what you do....Things will always work out like they should...," so we will see.)....Daddy remarried a couple of years back, and you know what....Marcia is a great friend to me, and she makes him happy...and that means a lot....

I say all that to say all this.....You're still here. When we, as a family, go to Christmas In The Country in a couple of weeks...you're there....When I take Bella Christmas Shopping on Black Friday....you're there.......and I wouldn't have it any other way....four years later. It's not about the pain of missing you anymore, though some days it hurts like it did on the dates above, it's about reflection. You gave me so much...I hope I am proving myself worthy....Some days, I wonder. Anyway, with October 26 coming up as a blog date, I couldn't write about music, the Dallas Cowboys, Christmas Shopping, or any of that stuff. It would ring too hollow....I'll just say...I love you and I miss you!





Your Son,


Chuck