Two
Days.
The
mind can be a very dangerous or lethal thing. I found this out first
hand, and it scared me to death – sort of.
As
you know, I recently spent a week in the hospital – largely due to
my mismanagement of diabetes – which I have been battling since
2005. There have been times since then that I have done ok with
it....and times that I haven’t. The latter times have been partly
due to insurance – or the lack thereof. I am not justifying
anything other than to say that if you don’t have insurance, it’s
easy to say ‘Screw it.’ Doctors – and nurses – work hard for
their education, and deserve to be rewarded what they do. But, the
health care system is flawed. When you are scared to go to the doctor
for financial issues, there’s a problem – whether that’s me or
anyone else.
But,
as I was being admitted to the hospital for an infection in my toe,
the doctor in the ER said ‘If you would have waited a couple more
days, you wouldn’t be here.” I was also severely dehydrated the
last couple of days before I went in. The words resonated in my head
a little, but (since this is an honest blog, I am going to ‘Keep it
real.’) My first thought was “Really?”
Understand
that I was not trying to push the fast forward button into eternity.
I wasn’t. But, there is a subconscious side to each of us –
whether we want to admit it or not, and mine caught up with me. As I
have written over the past couple of years, there have been several
mistakes I have made. And, nobody kicks themselves any harder over
them than I do. I wish that I just could look at a situation, cuss at
it, and walk away....but I don’t. I hold it in. We all make
financial mistakes, and I’m probably not done with that any time
soon. I am not the first person to ever be divorced. It feels like it
sometimes, but I’m not bad because of it. But, all the years of
depression over it just kept me going further and further down a road
that I didn’t know I was going down. The idea of walking away from
such a rubble was a lot more tempting than I ever thought – I
guess.
Over
the next few weeks, I am going to have to learn some new things.
Balancing insulin and diet – and not getting madder than a hornet
if the numbers don’t reflect what I have honestly tried to do. If
you are a diabetic, you know what I mean. You eat something low in
carbs, you walk a mile, and you check your sugar – thinking ‘This
is going to be great....’ and the numbers don’t make sense, and I
would go off and stew about it. That has happened to me quite a bit
over the years, but I’ve got to handle that better.
Walking
– even though, everything should return to normal within time -
There’s a toe that will not be there – but I am dang lucky that’s
it. It could have been – and should have been much worse.
But,
the biggest reprogramming for myself has to be....me. Letting the
past go, and admitting where you were wrong...and when you might have
been a victim of circumstances. That – more than adjusting to a
carb count, leaving the Chinese buffet alone (except occasionally),
and taking “care” of myself is going to be the big thing.
But,
it’s not optional. I’ve got to do it. I have been blown away by
the amount of cards, calls, emails, FB Messages, and tokens of
generosity. My family and friends have made it clear that they want
me around. So, I can’t walk away from that. More importantly, I
don’t want to. So, it’s up to me. That’s a big statement, isn’t
it? But, it’s the truth – and it’ time for me to work at it.
It’s not going to be easy – and advice – if you have it – is
welcomed – but it’s time for a “New” Chuck Dauphin. I guess,
technically, past due......
