I’ve been writing a lot this week about things that are very
important to me. I don’t know what has brought about this flurry of prose, but
the past few weeks have been a time of growth for me – though I didn’t think I
particularly needed to be tested at the time.
There’s a friend of mine who I talk to quite a bit. I won’t
name any names, but one conversation lately was pretty interesting. There have
been quite a few struggles that I have gone through lately – some have it a lot
worse, others have it better. But, it I what it is – whatever that statement
means. Work is going well. I am trying to stay as focused as I can, and I have
actually picked up a few more outlets this summer – which I am very grateful
for. Health isn’t that bad….I have been going through these HBO treatments –
which are more time consuming than anything else. But, I feel pretty good, and
haven’t had to miss much that I really wanted to do work-wise.
I tend to get down a little bit thinking about my personal
life – well, let’s say lack thereof. I have a lot of friends, and a son who I
try to talk to or see as much as I can, and two cats who listen to me…..nah….they
don’t listen. But, it’s been five years since my marriage ended – technically
three, but for all intent and purposes, let’s call it five. (And, she’s in a
better place, and so I am I, so I’m not looking for sympathy there.)
So, with that being said, I honestly thought that someone
would have came along by now. I really did. Having a +1 for most concerts
sometimes is pretty cool, but there’s nobody in that seat. Now, let me say that
I will take responsibility for some of that. I can interview this artist or
that one, have lunch with publicist or executive, but going up to a woman I don’t
know and in my best Matt LeBlanc impersonation, saying ‘How you doin?” That’s
not me. She might say ‘I was doing fine until you showed up,” and who wants to
hear that?
Ok, getting back on point about my friend. We were talking a
few weeks ago, and I was comparing myself to someone I know who has been
married 7.5 years to this wonderful person, and they have 2.3 children, 3.1
cars in the driveway, and seemingly have it all. I was commenting that I
usually shied away from talking or getting to know couples such as that because
I usually felt inadequate. She asked me….”Would you want that to be you?
I thought about it a minute. My friend pointed out that while
having that kind of idyllic story was great for them, that it probably meant that
the couple had 9-5 jobs in order to make those schedules for those 2.3 kids
work……Granted, there’s a lot more reality in a lifestyle like that, my friend
reasoned, but would you be happy? She pointed out to me that for better or for
worse, I was….I am a dreamer. I do what I do for a living not because it gives
me great emotional stability, or pads my retirement fund……or gives me a chance
for those long vacations where you don’t think about work…..but I do it because
I love it. And, I’ve always been told that if you follow your heart, it works
out in the end – along with becoming a fan of Ramen Noodles sometimes when that
check didn’t come in the mail. I feel I’m on the right track. I feel a lot more
confident in that fact now than five years ago….but that being said….
I guess I am a dreamer, still. I dream of one day not putting
the word “Single” down on an information sheet. I dream of the thrill of being
five minutes away from someone that you can’t wait to see. I dream of those
butterflies that you might get before you’re going out on a date to Fountain
Square or Bellevue Mall in 1990….the Opryland Hotel at Christmas time….and all
those other things. I used to hang my head down low about not having that – and
sometimes I still do…..but I don’t judge myself as a loser for not having it.
But, still….it would be nice....but on my - and that person's terms...So, I will keep working…..and keep dreaming….After
all, that’s what dreamers do, right? Because, you know…when you least expect it……
