Mama,
It’s been ten years today. I didn’t mean for it to be, but
this year seems a little more momentous than the others. I didn’t really expect
this year to mean more – or to hurt more – than the others. But….it does.
I hope that you’re happy up there today. I know you’ve got a
lot of family and friends around you – as well as a few furry friends.
Hopefully, you’ve been acquainted with a little white Siamese cat named Chloe. She’s
been up there a year ago yesterday. Still miss that one.
It’s interesting the way people look at loss. Like you get
over it at some point. I’m still waiting. Don’t get me wrong. There have been
some good days since October 26, 2005. There really have. But, there are still
times where I think ‘What would Mama have said or done?’ And, I guess that’s a
little more true today.
I wonder what you would think about my life – and the
decisions I have made over the years. I would hope that you would be
pleased - at least 60 percent of the
time. There are some things I wish I had back – but without them, I would not
have some of the biggest blessings I know. I probably have a 50-50 batting
average on doing wrong from right, but I try to stay in the game.
Work-wise, it’s been an amazing decade. I have been so
blessed to be able to make what I do work, go a few places that I never thought
I would- and get to do things that I can’t
believe. I don’t take any of it for granted. I still view myself as having
snuck in the back door – not being as a legit journalist as others in the
business – but that’s changed some. This year has been the most challenging for
me, but somehow I have been able to keep myself viable and to even raise my
game a bit. Of course, I am not so naïve to believe that it’s truly just my
hands guiding the wheel – or the keyboard. God knows that without this job or
career I would be lost, so he has stepped in and helped me so much – along with
many in my career path.
Personally, uggh…..Well, some things never change. Though, in
a sense, they have. I always thought I wouldn’t be complete unless I married
and settled down. Did that. Didn’t work out. A lot of reasons – about 49.9
percent one side and 50.1 the other …..but, without having gone there, I would
never have grown to the extent that I have. Spent some time with Zach this
weekend. You’d be proud of him. I can’t say that I really had / have a lot to
do with it, but I am so blessed to have that relationship.
I still get down on myself a lot about being single. I didn’t
expect to be 41 and divorced. Being alone is not fun. Sometimes, I think it’s
going to last forever. But, there are worse things. Every now and then, someone
will come along that I will think ‘Maybe,’ but then my lack of confidence steps
in. It’s nothing that anyone ever told me – for the most part – but I do feel
that I’m not worthy of it happening again. I hope time proves me wrong. I have
learned to embrace those times of loneliness – realizing that if someone does
come along, I will be different – and make it better. I feel better about
myself – but there are still days where I just want to hide in a hole. Unlike
ten years ago, I know now that what I have is called depression. But, I’ve
managed to make it through – with some really good help. I will probably always
be like a cross between Charlie Brown or Gil Grissom from CSI….but at least I
know! One day, it will happen….or at least I pray it does.
In any case, I just wanted to let you know that I miss you.
Sometime this week, I’ll make my annual pilgrimage to Red Lobster and have that
Pina Colada. Heck, I might even have two. I know that you are in a better place
– and happy. I hear that Buck Owens is playing down at Heaven’s End tonight……Maybe
you’re going to the show. (Yeah, I know where I can stick Buck Owens – and his
records!)
I miss you. I love you. Until next time……
