I am guilty from time to time of getting personal on this
blog. Truth be told, I probably shouldn’t do this. After all, I am not the only
person who has ever had a problem – nor will I be the last. But, writing things
out makes me think in ways I might not normally do if I just talk out my
feelings.
And, lately I’ve done a lot of talking. There are some issues
in my life that I need to take care of. Some, like my health, I simply need to
modify. My numbers have been getting better as of late, according to my
doctors, so maybe I’ve gotten the hang of things – with the help of those
afore-mentioned doctors. And, some I need to totally change from top to bottom,
even if it means making a completely new start.
Back in 2007, I bought a house. I was about to get married,
and needed a place to live. We lived there for three years until a move to
Georgia in 2010. I ended up moving back into the house in the spring of 2012,
after our marriage ended and I moved in Tennessee.
In between that time, we had renters occupying the house. I have learned in my career and life to “never
say never,” but I think it’s a pretty good bet that if I ever own a house
again, I will never rent it to someone. The family didn’t do it any favors.
And, I have never been able to afford to fix things up. Throw in the fact that
with it being an older house, things started to not work the same way as they
had. Now, let me say for the record, I am not a handyman / home expert about
fixing things up – or even a Martha Stewart in terms of keeping house. With a
job that keeps me on the road quite a bit, the house filled its’ purpose. It
gave me a place to live, as well as for the pets I had.
Long story short – I have always loved animals, but there was
a mama cat in the neighborhood that had two litters before we took her to get
fixed in 2009. She had them on our grounds – including three in the house on my
birthday that year. Since then, the number of pets has whittled down. Some
stayed with me, some went with my ex-wife. But, though I love them very much –
and would do anything I can for an animal – looking back, you need to limit
yourself. I didn’t. For about two years, I ended up keeping five – until Chloe
died in October. She would greet me at
the door, want me to carry her around the house, and let her outside to play on
the porch. I wrote about her then, and the missing her hasn’t stopped. As 2015
has progressed, and my health has deteroiated to a point that I have to do
things differently about taking care of me, it’s become apparent that I can’t
take care of four pets anymore.
So, I have secured a home for two of them. Haven’t set a date
to take them to their new home, but I know that’s coming. That leaves me with
two – that I would be lost without. I know this is for the best, but I’ll be
honest, it hurts like hell. However, that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
There’s the damn memories.
I don’t regret having been married. And, I have no regrets
about the fact I’m not right now, either. Life is a learning experience, and
people change and move on. Happiness is lost and then, found again. But, since
2012, I have to admit there are times that I look around the house and get very
emotional. This was the place that we were going to raise a family. And, for a
lot of reasons, it didn’t. Again, no regrets – and no bitterness (that took a
while!), but your mind still takes you back – particularly when you haven’t
moved into the next phase of your life. And, there are memories of throwing
football in the back yard with my son, and watching TV on holiday nights with
my daughter. Those days will never happen again. I don’t mean to sound morbid
about it. Life goes on…..and my relationship with my son is actually stronger
than it’s ever been…….but ghosts have a way of appearing in the light of day or
the darkness of night.
Looking back, the past three years have been the best of my
life. Career-wise, I have been blessed with a job that I had no idea I would
ever had. I have gone places and interviewed people that would have blown my
mind ten years ago. But, in a lot of ways, I have put my life on hold. I am so
scared of failure that taking chances isn’t something I do well. I have went
out on about four dates in five years. Even if someone hinted to me they were
interested – and a few have during that time – I thought “Why would you be
interested in me?’ I’ve got to change that way of thinking. I have blown two
pretty good chances because of it…..
Again, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. As much as I would
like to find the imperfect someone, it’s as low on my priority list as it has
ever been. Trying to be a better person and Christian, taking care of myself,
and balancing that by working like crazy is what is first and foremost on my
mind right now. And, I know I am never going to do it there. I need a home –
which I haven’t truly had since leaving there in 2010. I need to fall asleep on
the couch during the Tonight Show. I need a place I can rest….and for whatever
reason, it has become apparent I can’t do it there.
It’s time to move on, and start over. It’s the only way I
know that I will ever be happy again outside of work. But, I’m not that good at
pulling the trigger on decisions…..However, I feel like I am backed into a corner. But, only one person
can change their direction……and it’s not a family member, a friend, or that
someone that you think is kind of special that you’ve never told. It’s me. And,
knowing that is half the battle. What do I do with this? I don’t know, but a
change of surroundings looks like it would be the best for me. Making a move….I’ve
got to do it. So I ask for your thoughts as I try to get to another chapter in
my life. I’m not the same person I was in 2007….or 2012…and hopefully will be
in 2018……I need to love me first.
To be continued…..
