It was about eight years ago when I first walked into the
place that for the better part of that time since I have called home. At that
point, I recall being excited and optimistic about what the future was going to
hold. I was just about four months from being married, and this would be the
place that we would spend – hopefully – the rest of our lives at. This would be
the place where the children grew up.
But….life happened. Those plans changed. But, when I moved
back to Tennessee after a brief period in Georgia, I returned to that house –
and those memories. Every damn one of them. Not all of them were bad, mind you.
There were Christmas celebrations. Holidays. But, some weren’t so good. And,
some of those fall on me. Truth be told, I wasn’t that crazy about going back
to the place where we lived as a family. But, I had some pets, and I had said
goodbye to so much in my life. I couldn’t bear to part with anything else. So,
I moved back. There were nights that I heard the ghosts. Their presence was
quite overwhelming. Telling me ‘Well, you really made it….didn’t you?’ or maybe
‘If you had done this or that, you wouldn’t be this lonely now.’ Or, perhaps
the strongest voice of all was…..none at all. My cats provided solace when I
was there, but I was slowly killing myself by kicking myself over and over for
a past I couldn’t change. Mistakes? To quote Sinatra, I did make a few. But, I
honestly would do 98% of it the same way again. I wouldn’t have one of the
relationships that I am the most proud of – and whether you are a critic or a
detractor (and I will admit that my love for animals has gotten me way over my
head before), I have found that I am more loyal than I thought I was a few
years ago.
May is going to be an interesting month for me. Hopefully,
the start of a new beginning. I have found a home for two of the cats, which
leaves me with a manageable two. I will be moving into a new apartment later in
the month. It’s something that I should have done a long time ago. I am really
looking forward to it. Sometimes, one has to look deep within and realize that
change is something you have to initiate. I want a life – besides my work,
which I am very blessed with. I want to fall asleep on the couch watching TV…..something
I haven’t done, at my place, in about five years. I want to feel good about
myself again….or maybe for the first time. And….I want the girl….not today or
the day after that, but I do want to fall in love again. Unlike before, I don’t
think I am incomplete without someone, but I think I can make it work next
time. But, I don’t want to have somebody for the sake of making anyone else
happy or to show that I can be in a relationship. I want fire. I deserve that.
Long post made short……the past is the past. I have made peace
with just about everything from that period in my life. My record isn’t
perfect, and anybody who wants to be a critic, well, the Lord knows I have
given them plenty of ammunition. But, I am trying to make strides. I’m trying
to take better care of myself. I’m trying to think better of myself. Believe it
or not, the latter is the toughest. But, I am doing better. Plus, I am kind of
tired of writing these heavy blog posts. I would much rather write about the
merits of Samantha over Jeannie, how great a 1982 album by Kenny Rogers was, or
that special someone……wherever she is…..A new beginning……I hope so. I really
do!
