Over the past eight years of writing this blog, I have talked
about music, football, television, and my personal life. The latter has been
something that some of you think I go a little too far on. Some have said the
less said, the better.
If you’re one of those….please look away.
This weekend was a very emotional one for me. First of all, I
was in Memphis to cover Country Cares For St. Jude Kids for Billboard. I love
the occasional trip to cover things, but this one went a little deeper than
that. If you have ever been to the facility, you know what a powerful thing it
is. The work that everyone does there is amazing. No child has been turned away
due to finances since Danny Thomas opened the doors in 1962. That is something
special itself, but the care that everyone has for the patients there is
amazing. It will truly make you realize how little your problems matter in the
grand scheme of things. Simply being there makes one want to strive to be a
better person.
That being said, I am going to turn this post into somewhat
of a confessional. Many of you will not be shocked by what I am about to write.
But, to get to a point in life where I want and need to be, I feel it’s
important – and maybe someone else can read this and not go through some of the
mistakes I’ve made.
For years, I have wanted to be the best that I could be. And,
I think at times, I’ve done quite well in that effect. But at times, I have ran
into a roadblock that has made me struggle a bit. Alcohol? Aside from a Pina
Colada every now and then, I’ve never had the taste. Drugs? Thankfully, I have
never had the craving. Whether it be watching episodes of The Waltons or In The
Heat of the Night or eating Chinese food, I can have somewhat of an addictive
personality, so it’s a good thing I never did.
That stumbling block has been…..myself. While I give credit
to God for putting me in the right place at the right time at certain points in
my life, I have never felt I was quite good enough. That really came to light
this weekend, as I was in a group setting for quite a bit of the time. I have
this fear that I am going to say or do something that will show me up for what
I think I am….less than. There were a few moments this weekend that would
qualify as panic attacks, but I kept myself in check. Still, the emotions I
felt have led me to talk about them – in order to get past them.
My inferiority complex began to show in my early 20s. I fell
hard for this person who didn’t fall back. That’s ok. It happens. I haven’t
fallen head over heels with people that felt that way toward me. But, the
rejection I felt stung tougher than any I had ever felt to that point in my
life. It actually didn’t come from the woman, but her mother who called me a “Freak”
for thinking that I would have a snowball’s chance in hell with her daughter. I
have actually used those words to motivate me to do what I do for a living, and
at times I have excelled at it.
But, the words were still there. As well as the emotions that
I felt. I think that helped to ruin the first real relationship I was in. I was
actually in a good place with someone until I began to wonder ‘What’s she doing
with me?’ She and I are still friends, but I still feel it was a missed
opportunity – all because of me.
Over the years, the lack of success in my personal life led
me down the road to the place that is called depression. To be honest, I’m a
lot better than I once was. Thanks to prayer, the success in my career I’ve
enjoyed, and a good therapist…..I have done pretty well. Still, the least thing
can set me off. Case in point: Career-wise, I was operating at 125% before
Christmas. But, with the slowdown that the industry has at the holidays, it
takes a while to get back going when the New Year unfolds. That, combined with
the fact that January is usually a slow month, has made me a little overcome
with fear. How am I going to pay my bills…..in March? Not February. Since I
started the freelance life in earnest in 2011, God has always provided. There
is no reason to think the other is going to happen now. But, the past few
nights have seen a little less sleep than usual. It’s all going to work out. I
know, but right now, getting past the fear is really tough.
At age 42, and with 43 closing in on me by the day, I want to
be better. I want to be at a point in my life where I feel that I am ok. There are
some things about my life that I need to get under control right now. Some are
health-related, but nothing life threatening. I’ve just allowed my worry and my
fear to get me to a point where I feel kind of crazy at the moment. The being
single things still nags at me, but I am almost at a point that I don’t think
it’s going to happen. I would love for it to, but it would have to be
completely from left field, as I don’t think I am relationship material right
now. I think the major thing in my life is telling me it's okay to like myself. It has to start there, After all, not everyone is going to like you (Though, I do hope I have somewhat of a 90% approval rating. I'd be ok with that. I like about 90% of the people out there!)
So…..why am I writing this? Partly because I feel a need to
talk about things. I was reminded this weekend that my life still has some
promise, and it is in no way, shape, or form, really that bad. Maybe I just
need to hear that I’m ok. And, also, I want to say that if there is anyone out
there who feels like they are a tiny dot on the Rand McAnally of life, you’re
more than that. You matter. More than you think.
And, at the same time, maybe I just needed to see these words
so I would know it too!
In either case, thanks for reading. Now, please resume your lives!
