A Letter To Mom....

October 26, 2014

Mom,

It’s been nine years since you’ve been gone. Sometimes, it feels like yesterday, and sometimes like an eternity ago. I never totally understood what it’s like to think about someone who has been gone every day – until you. There hasn’t been a day that has gone by since you left that there hasn’t been at least one thought of you in my mind. To be honest, I never thought I would get through the first year, and now it’s been a lot longer than that. Time goes by, I guess.

I wonder sometimes if you’re aware of what is going on down here. The past eight years have been the most amazing times of my life. Not to say that it hasn’t been a roller coaster, as those amazing times have included some highs that I never thought imaginable – and some lows that I also didn’t expect. I’m not quite sure how I have handled everything. Work-wise, I like to think I busted my backside trying to work myself up in the business. There have been some low points - but overall, I have no complaints. I have gotten to interview people and go places that I never thought possible. I am trying to take advantage of everything I can possibly do – from writing about everyone from recording artists to football and basketball to whatever comes my way. I enjoy the writing about music as much as anything. I never could sing but for whatever reason, I need music – and to tell people about it – like I need air. It’s about the only thing I know. I feel like I am on the right track. I hope you can see some of that.....

On the other hand, there are a few times I have thought it might be a good thing if you are totally unaware of the past nine years. I always haven’t handled things as well as I should have – or was taught to. I get very down on myself at times, and there are days where I can be a moody son-of-a.....I’m not too proud of my mistakes....but at the same time....I have learned from some of them.

I am so proud of the relationship I have with my son. You’d be really proud of him. We are closer than we’ve ever been before. I am grateful for that. Would go through everything all over again – for that reason alone. I still haven’t given up hope about the right one coming along. I try not to judge myself on whether I’m dating someone or not, but sometimes I still do. Truth be told, I guess I always will. But, there are worse things than being alone. But, that special someone....I still dream and hope for that. That might require me taking a few more chances. But, I don’t need – or want them to be my “savior.” I’ve got one, and if anyone saves me, I’ve got to be the one. I’ve also got to take care of myself. I let things get out of control there. I still fight depression, but I’m trying. I just try to work like crazy so I don’t think about it.

I never hear a Conway Twitty song that I don’t think of you. I still try to tune into QVC for at least a few minutes on July 25 for “Christmas In July,” and somewhere between the 26^th and your birthday on the 30^th, I will probably be found at a Red Lobster drinking a Pina Colada in honor of you. But, all that stuff is symbolic. I miss talking to you – hearing your voice. A few years ago, I was dubbing some interviews onto CD, and I found a phone call where you had called the station. Wasn’t more than 30 seconds, if that long, but it was good to hear. I wonder what you would have to say about different things in my life – good or bad.

Anyway, I am going to close this note to you by just telling you that I was thinking of you today, and though it sounds like I am very melancholy....I am actually in a better place than I was in 2013....or 2012..and so forth. I’m closer to God than ever before. He’s always had my back – but I’ve noticed it a lot more since moving back to Tennessee. Still have a few pieces of the puzzle I would like to try to insert into my life, still hoping that my second act is more successful than my first, but I am working on it Don’t give up on me just yet.....and if a little bossy Siamese cat comes knocking on your door, take her in. I sent her!

CHLOE

Today was one of the roughest days that I have gone through in my life. I took Chloe, my spirited Siamese Cat to the vet for the second time this week. As I made the drive, I knew it would also be the last. She had been very sick when I took her in on Tuesday, and the vet had given her some fluids that gave her a little bit of life. Friday afternoon, when I picked her up, I was elated when I broke off a piece of a chicken strip to give to her – one of her favorites. She wolfed it down. But, it was downhill from there. As is the case with most animals on their last legs, she couldn’t walk well, wasn’t eating, and had other problems.

But, when I picked her up to hold her, she still cradled me like a baby. And, with good reason....she was mine. The first time I ever met this little spitfire was in April 2008. My wife at the time wanted a kitten. We already had a few cats we had taken from my father’s farm, so I wasn’t too keen on the idea. But, off we went to Bon Aqua to take a look at these kittens. There were a couple of black cats, and one yellow – normal looking ones, I thought. Then....this little white flash came bouncing around the corner. Well, if we had to get another animal, this was going to be the one. So, we took her home. Or, better yet, she took us back to her new house. I just drove the car.

To say Chloe had a spirit about her would be an understatement. And, nobody loved making that spirit come alive any more than me. I delighted in....ticking her off. Whether that meant rough-housing with her – which I have the scratches to prove It, or taking my time with her on such things as opening the cat food cans that became such a part of our cat’s life. So many of my ups, and so many of my downs – Chloe was right there. I would be laying in bed sometimes sound asleep when I would feel this push on my neck. She would ram her head up there to sleep as if I was her parent. I guess I was. Heck, I even learned to sleep that way.

The only other loss I have experienced that has affected me like this was my mother – nine years ago tomorrow. But, due to the nature of her illness, I knew it was coming. This was very much out of the blue. Making that decision was one of the toughest things I have ever done. But, having spent last night with her – hearing her cry, seeing her not be able to move with free will, or eat and drink....I knew. But, on the way to the vet, I made one final stop at the Shell station to get a couple of chicken strips – just to see if she would eat. That would change my mind. Nothing. I had taken a cat to be put down before, but selfishly took the chicken way out and stayed in the waiting room. I owed it to Chloe to be there. As much as I had cried this week over her, and as much as I have thought about her and cried this afternoon, it was so peaceful...so quiet. Many have told me ‘It’s the right thing to do.’ I guess so, but I feel awful.

Over the past few years, I have studied the love of animals and people. Animals love us unconditionally. We have a good day? They’re there. A bad day? They know that too. Chloe was that way, much the same way that Buddy, a dog that my father and Marcia own, is. I went by there for some stuff today, and was crying a little. He knew. Animals not only love us unconditionally, but they know us in a way that nobody else does. And, you don’t ever have to worry about “relating” to a pet like a human. They either do or don’t, but you can’t buy it...or influence it. Chloe was one of those kind. My heart is so sad tonight that all the stuff I have on the calendar this week I don’t really care about. I’ll put my game face on and do it, but I’m a little empty tonight.

And, as I write this, the radio is playing “It Was Almost Like A Song.” Damn. How did Milsap know? Anyway, Chloe, I miss you, my furry little friend, who will always be a part of my life. Run over that “Rainbow Bridge,” and while you’re there....find a woman named Paulette Dauphin, I think you’ll like her. Mamas are like that! I hope you know how much I love you. I hope I did the right thing, but these tears in my eyes aren’t convincing me......

Goodnight, Dallas!

I haven’t blogged much lately on a personal front. There has been a lot of stuff going on, but trying to find the words to say it in an eloquent manner is kind of eluding me at the moment. But, hopefully it will. I have been blessed to have been a little bit of here, there, and everywhere lately – I’ll share more info about that later...But, today, I must write about bidding adieu to an old friend.....

This past Friday, I was in West Tennessee, and I was checking Facebook for what seemed like the 173,321st time of the day. And, I saw the news which hit me like a bullet through the heart - “TNT Cancels Dallas.” You know how sometimes you expect something to happen, but when you see it – it still hits you? That’s how I felt Friday afternoon about 4pm. A 40-year old man....sad about the cancellation of a...soap opera? Yes, and let me explain.

Back in the late 1970s, Television was a great place – and that was just with three or four channels. One of my favorite parts of the week was watching “The Dukes Of Hazzard” on Friday nights. At four or five, I don’t remember what the appeal was – maybe the car, maybe the “cool” factor – I was much too young to have lusted after Catherine Bach – that came later – but Friday nights were it for me. I don’t recall having a specific bedtime at that age, but my parents seemed to also enjoy this show that came on after it....called “Dallas.” I figured out that if I acted interested in the show, I could put off bedtime from 9 until 10pm. But, the funny thing was....I actually became interested in the show – and all the way until the final episode of the CBS original aired on May 3, 1991 – (I took off from school that day. Trust me, I remember!), I was hooked on the weekly trials and tribulations of the most dysfunctional family that ever resided west of the Mississippi – the Ewings. Friday nights – no matter what else was going on in my life growing up – were big because of the happenings at Southfork Ranch.

Why Dallas? I think it always offered a bit of pure escapism. The first eight seasons of the show were about as brilliant as dramatic TV gets – after that, it was kind of hit or miss, but it was still “Must See TV” to me. Of course, at the center of the drama was the villainous JR Ewing, played by Larry Hagman. Back in my high school days, I actually dressed in a business suit and cowboy hat and carried a briefcase on “Character Day” as JR himself. (Suffice to say, I never was cool at DCHS, but I was me)......Maybe I wanted to be JR – have that quick wit, that power with women. Heck, I’m 40 and I still do!

You know how a lot of people who are fans of “Star Trek” are called “Trekkies?’ I’m the same way....with “Dallas.” Outside of my closest family....I probably know more about the Ewing family tree than mine.....So, reruns and reunion movies over the years were always huge events. And, then in 2012, came word that TNT was going to bring the show back. And, in June of that year – the 18^th to be precise, I was there. The continuation of the show was entertaining and fun, and Hagman’s 80-year old portrayal of JR was more like the early years than the buffoon he was at the end of the CBS years. But, on cable TV, it’s a tough draw to keep an audience...and the writing didn’t help at times either. It could be hit or miss, with a plot started one week – and forgotten about two weeks later. But, mediocre “Dallas” is still better than most other TV.....and the show did have its’ high points – such as season two, which featured the passing of JR Ewing (following Hagman’s death) and the white-hot chemistry of Josh Henderson as John Ross Ewing and Julie Gonzalo as Pamela Barnes – a Ewing and a Barnes together - Sound familiar? (But, to be fair, Gonzalo is so gorgeous that all one needs is a pulse not to be a little bit excited if you were doing a love scene with her!)

The series ended with a cliffhanger episode about three weeks ago – without word on whether TNT would renew the series for a fourth season. Friday, the word came. No more “Dallas.” Well, to be honest, I’m more than kind of bummed. Though I wasn’t always pleased with every plot twist the past three years, “Dallas” once again helped me to escape the trials and tribulations of my life – which were a little bit more serious since 2012 than 1982! And, for that alone, I am grateful. Maybe another network will pick it up, but I am not really optimistic. The ratings weren’t that good.....but if nothing else...the show brought three things to my attention....

• Josh Henderson is going to be a major TV / Movie / Music star. He chewed up the scenery of every plot he was featured in. He made being bad look as fun as Hagman did years ago! And he has as much charisma as any TV star I have seen since Clooney first hit the ER.
• I got to meet Linda Gray when she and Henderson hit Nashville as part of a promotional tour for TNT during the premiere week of the show back in 2012. Next to Elizabeth Montgomery in Bewitched, Sue Ellen Ewing is the absolute bomb of female characters in TV history
• And, we got to hear that classic theme song again – no matter what you might have thought about the show....the theme was larger than life – on a par with Hawaii Five-0 and The Andy Griffith Show.

So, at least for now, Goodnight, Dallas. It was one heck of a ride!