Some dates have a way of affecting you forever. Obviously,
the one on which you draw your first breath is one of them. Maybe another could
be when you get your drivers license….or you graduate high school. In the
course of one’s life, there are so many dates in history that have a definite
impact on our sense of being.
For me, December 22, 2017 will be one of them.
I had just had breakfast with one of my friends at Cracker
Barrel in Dickson, and was headed back to Centerville. It was a rainy and cold
Friday morning. Nothing much was on my radar that day except for my 3-6pm shift
at the station. I probably was headed home to sleep for a few hours. It was a
good day for it. I was in between Lyles and Centerville when all of a sudden,
my windshield began to crack. There was a body colliding with it. The impact of
the collision sent the person into the culvert on the side of the road – killing
them instantly.
For the past six weeks, I have tried to come to terms with
the facts of that morning. Which, to be totally honest, I still can’t rationalize.
A man crosses the road between two cars coming from the west going toward
Nashville, and never slowed down in his run across the road to check his mail.
Because of where the first car was on the highway, I literally didn’t see the
person coming – until the point of impact. After a lengthy meeting with the sheriff
– which I asked for myself – there is nothing else I can say except that I was
meant to be in that one spot, just like the other person was to be in theirs.
That’s the rational explanation, but it sure doesn’t make it
any easier.
I know that it wasn’t my fault, and there was nothing that I could
have done – but knowing that I had a part in the end of someone else’s life is
something I am going to live with for the rest of my life. Most nights, unless
I have a ball game or a work-related reason to be out, you will find me home
and in bed by 8 or 9 at the latest. I stay in bed pretty late too. If my job
was a full-time one technically, I would probably cut back a little, but the bad
thing about freelance work is that if you don’t do it, someone else will….and
as much as I like _______ (fill in the blank of other freelance writer), I like
eating and paying my bills more. So, I can’t stop.
There are so many emotions that I have about the accident. Guilt
and Sadness are two that come to mind with a lot of questions. My biggest is ….why.
Obviously, why did this have to happen? Couldn’t I have stopped at the gas station
to get a drink like I do so many times? Why did I have to be there at that
moment? Or him….But, I will never know the answers to those questions. Later,
after the accident, I found out that he helped to care for his partially
disabled mother – and was recently engaged. Needless to say, those two bits of
information made me wish that it could have been me even more instead of him in
that ditch. My mother has been gone for over twelve years, and what I wouldn’t
give to have one more conversation, one more moment. And, my dating status
since my divorce? Non-existent. From those two aspects, it felt – and still
feels, to some extent – that he had much more to live for than seeing how many
articles I can write this year or trying to avoid the proverbial poorhouse that
I teeter so close to.
I will say that these events and thoughts have brought about more
conversations with someone who I hadn’t talked to in a while – God. I grew up
in the Church, and still consider myself a Christian. I will tell you that
since my divorce in 2012, sometimes the absolute last place I want to be is….at
Church. There’s a couple. Here’s a couple. Everywhere a couple. Not what I want
to see a lot of times. That, combined with the fact that some people – particularly
at the Church I grew up at – seem to treat me differently since then, has made
me stay away more than I need to. I still pray – and from a career point, He
has blessed me, but socially I feel like a odd man out. From a personal
standpoint, I sometimes wonder if God’s there…..and after December 22, I felt that
faith tested as ever before. But, I will say this. For someone who spent much
of the last few years questioning God…..I sure spent a lot of time talking to him….now,
granted some of it was yelling….and saying things that aren’t in Leviticus or 1
Corinthians, but it’s still talking. So, there is that.
I say all that to say this. I want to thank each of you who
has reached out, said a prayer, talked on the phone. Your support has meant a
lot to me. I am going to be working through this for a long time, if not
forever, and am going to be in need of those vibes for as long as I can get them.
I pray that I can somehow drop some of the self-worth issues that I have had
since Junior High. I’ve got some things I am going to have to work on, with career,
finances, and spiritual all having their own chapters. But, I have plenty of
support – including my own therapist, so I am grateful for that.
I also want to ask you to continue to remember the other
family affected. I can’t begin to understand their grief. I feel bad even
talking about my pain and feelings about all of this, but my therapist did tell
me that this happened to me too….so if I seem self -serving, I don’t mean to be…..but
I really needed to write this out. Thanks for reading and understanding.
