Greetings
from Oklahoma!
I have had a wonderful holiday here covering the Oil Patch Festival in
Drumright. Thanks to Myrna and Rick Sellers and Clif Doyal for having me out
here. I may never eat again!
I
wanted to also say thanks for the comments regarding Tuesday’s blog concerning
the passing of Andy Griffith. I think – more than any other entertainment
figure – he was one that transcended cultural lines.
Today,
I am going to write about something a little more personal than you might be
used to, and truth be told – you might have better things to read today than
what I am about to write. But, in talking with some friends of mine, I decided
to put these thoughts to paper – or online. Who knows, it might help to type it
down – and it might help someone out there to not go down the same path.
As
many of you know, I have underwent some life changes over the past….thirty-eight
years. I say it like that because from the moment we are born – life is an ever
constant world of change. Though I tend to dwell on the past two or three years,
change has swirled since the evening of February 17, 1974. And, it will swirl
until there’s a date after the dash.
That
being said, right now, I am in a place that is a little bit scary and different
for me. I never intended to be starting over in life at 38. But, as Forrest
Gump – that wise old philosopher once said – “It happens.” That trek in life
includes a battle with depression. (I know – we all have been there at some
point or another, and I’m not truly comfortable writing about this – but I was
told I might feel better after writing this….so here goes!)
We
all have self-esteem issues. I can’t pinpoint when mine started. But, I do know
when I started to feel different as a human being. It was my eighth grade year
in school. I had just started attending Dickson Junior High, and it seemed that
a few weeks into that year – everyone’s attention was focused on who their date
was for the annual Dickson County Fair. I didn’t have one. What’s worse was I
got turned down when I asked somebody. This may really sound stupid or trite to
some, as we all get turned down for something at one point of another, but that
was one of those moments that shaped me.
I
began to judge myself and self-basis on whether I was dating anyone or not. LOL…Which
meant in school, I was pretty much non-existent because I didn’t date until
after graduating. I could have asked someone, but get turned down again? Not on
your life!
I
would love to tell you that my self-esteem issues ended when I reached my
twenties. Wrong. I still judged my sense of being on whether I was with anyone
or not. If I was, life was ok. If I wasn’t, I was not. Looking back, that wrong
decision has affected my life in so many ways.
For
starters, I find that I never really started to develop my personality as a
human being until the past ten years or so. As a result of feeling rejected or
the fear of rejection, I backed away from getting to know people. Some might
have even looked at me as a snob – I don’t know. Truth is, I was (and still am,
around people I don’t know) painfully shy. The moment you might think I was a
little bit different is when I would have shrunk back into my little hole. I
see where that was wrong.
Once
I did begin to date, well, let’s just say I was twenty-one going on sixteen. I
didn’t have the experience of relating to someone else so I made some mistakes.
Some I don’t regret…and maybe a couple I do…
But,
the past is the past, right? Well, that’s what I keep telling myself. At 38, I
have finally realized that it’s ok to be….alone. Now, understand, I don’t like
it that way. But, there’s a saying that nobody can love you if you don’t love
yourself. Have I spent years running from that one. If you are reading this and
you think differently – think again, please. You will save yourself a lot of
bad decisions and heartache. Work on YOU.
It’s easier doing it now….than later.
At
this point in my life, I am trying to pick up the pieces of not doing this
earlier. I am trying to get more involved in Church and other activities – not because
I am the son of Charles and Paulette Dauphin, and that’s what I do – but rather,
that’s where I need to be. I am trying to be a little more assertive and
confident in my career, and that has paid off more than I can tell you. At
times, my career has been a cocoon for me. If something wasn’t going right in
life or a relationship, instead of standing up for what I might have felt was
right – I shifted my energies to what I knew I could do – an interview, an
article, a football game. I’m not saying I was wrong or right, because
sometimes that was the best thing to do. But, looking back, might there have
been times where that was a mistake? Maybe.
I
hope this blog post doesn’t come across as arrogant as I think it might. We all
go through valleys – emotionally, spiritually, or financially. I am no
different than anyone else, and I guarantee you that someone will read this who
has it a lot worse than I do. I have family, friends, two Church homes that I
love and appreciate very much, and a career that I thank God for every day.
Chuck Dauphin has it pretty good right now, overall. But, I am working on each
of those three areas. Some are a little easier than others, but I pray I get
there.
So,
in closing….(which you are probably grateful for), let me just say to take time
for you. Learn to be still….even if life and others make you feel that you need
to be a certain way – and let me say that I am not putting my mistakes in life
off on anyone but myself – but nobody knows YOU better than YOU. Never be
ashamed or think lower of yourself because you might not be where you think you
want to be.
OK,
that’s enough of the self-examination. This is Chuck Dauphin – signing off from
the windy state known as Oklahoma
– alone (for now) and ok with it – for today!
